Reading about and writing about crime in Orange County -- or anywhere else -- can be a sobering prospect. There is so much violence and hatred out in the world, it's easy to despair.
That's why the moments of levity offered by our weekly police blotters are so much fun. Some of the people involved in calls to the Orange County Sheriff's Department and local police agencies... well, you can't help but shake your head or giggle.
The following are some of the most bizarre crime reports recorded from dispatch records from throughout Patch cities in Orange County.
Who says cops have no sense of humor? Consider this Laguna Beach police report about two raccoons fighting on Coast View Drive: "Both suspects appear to have sustained two black eyes, but neither desired prosecution. They left the scene on foot without further assistance."
Seal Beach and Los Alamitos
A caller reports a homeless man doing yoga in street. By the time the cops arrive, he’s gone, leading the officer to conclude the yogi vanished "to a higher plane."
Essay question: A man goes shopping in suit jacket and underwear. Is he overdressed, under dressed or does it average out?
"Forget it, Jake. It's Candyland." A Lady called police concerned that someone has replaced her candy with diet pills. And a man enters a Main Street business and throws a lollipop.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty: A Los Alamitos woman was fined when her three African wildcats escaped her apartment for a night on the town.
A Drunken pedestrian yells and punches street signs. (It probably went something like this: I don't have a brinking droplem. I can STOP anytime I want!)
This one isn't funny, but it is a head-scratcher: a knife-weilding bad guy managed to rob the same Los Alamitos bank three times.
Three mules were spotted trotting down Katella Avenue. They may or may not have been jaywalking.
Deja Vu: At 11:59 a.m. Monday, a caller reported a suspicious person in the 200 block of Via Socorro. The informant reportedly witnessed a man walking with three donkeys near Shorecliffs Middle School and then crossed over the freeway. The informant said the man was in dirty clothing and appeared to be nice. December blotter.
(Because so many times, guys with donkeys are jerks.)
At 10:20 p.m. Monday, a caller reported a disturbance in the 100 block of Calle Altea. Deputies reportedly detained a naked man who had been seen huffing chemicals near an athletic club. The subject was detained and firefighters transported the man to San Clemente Hospital. Dec. 18 blotter.
(Yeah, but did you ever huff chemicals naked?)
At 4:36 p.m. Saturday, an informant reported a family dispute in the 100 block of Calle Amistad. The informant reported that their 25-year-old son had become extremely upset because he could not find his marijuana. December 4 blotter.
(Well, that would bum anyone out.)
At 8:05 a.m. Tuesday, a caller reported a suspicious person in the 100 block of Avenida Navarro. The informant witnessed a woman in her 30s sitting under a blanket in just black lingerie. The woman then proceeded to walk over to a wall and urinate. Oct. 12 blotter.
At 4:22 p.m. Wednesday police arrested a 62-year-old-woman in the 400 block of El Camino Real. According the report, local transient woman well known for screaming at passers-by, was sitting on a restaurant patio with her pants down around her ankles. She then proceeded to defecate in their fountain. She was taken into custody and has since been released. Jan. 27
(The editorial staff at San Clemente Patch has noticed a fascinating, criminologically speaking, trend citywide; dozens of calls reporting public defecation. Many can be traced back to local transients – specifically the woman mentioned in this report -- who presumably have nowhere else to go. But not enough to explain the significant statistical poop aberration in our city compared with other Patch cities in Orange County.)
San Juan Capistrano
At 7:54 a.m. Wednesday, a caller reported a suspicious person in the 33000 block of Lighthouse Court. The informant reported that a heavyset man in pink pants was rummaging through trashcan on his street. The subject was last seen heading toward Mariner Street. Sept. 2 blotter.
(If he's the kind of guy who roots around in the trash, you can't expect him to exercise the best fashion choices, can you?)
At 2:23 p.m. Sunday, a caller reportedly found some lost property in the 31800 block of Plaza Drive. The informant stated he had found numerous undergarments behind a location on Plaza Drive. Nov. 13 blotter.
At 8:17 p.m. Friday, deputies were called to conduct a patrol check near the Acjachema-La Calera streets intersection. The call was regarding several valet drivers who were seen racing vehicles and parking in no-parking zones. The valet drivers were possibly related to an event at a nearby church. Sept. 18 blotter.
At 6:13 p.m. Sunday, deputies assisted firefighters in the 31700 block of Del Obispo Street. According to the report, a drunk, elderly man had fallen on the ground in Taco Bell and could not get up. The man wished to be taken to the hospital. Aug. 1, 2012 blotter.
At 10:31 p.m. Sunday, a caller reported a burglary in progress in the 33800 block of Via Cascada. According to the report, the informant witnessed someone she said she did not know banging on her front door. The person banging on the door ended up being the informant’s brother. May 25 blotter.
A resident from the 100 block of Abbeywood Lane asked deputies to check for a man and a woman who were parked in a tan sedan outside her home claiming that they were attacking her with a ray gun. The suspicious person in vehicle report was made 11:04 p.m. Monday. Aug. 8 Blotter.
(Space couples from the future have been a persistent concern for law enforcement in Aliso Viejo for years.)
A caller complained about getting a mean Facebook message from someone with whom the caller wasn't a Facebook friend. The report was filed at 9:29 a.m. Thursday in the 0 block of Rambling Lane.
(This caller was referred to the detectives at the Orange County Sheriff's Department's Million Tiny Violins Division.)
This young Mission Viejo couple had the tables turned on them Nov. 19. Early in the morning, they called to report a burglary in progress at their home. Deputies found there was no break-in, but that the couple was allegedly on drugs and hallucinated one. Deputies arrested them instead for being under the influence.
A Mission Viejo caller asked deputies to check for a man wearing blue saggy shorts and drinking from a bottle of tequila. The caller said the man was possibly sharing sips with the yellow Labrador. February blotter.
(It's cool though; the Labrador was going to sober up with some waffles at Denny's before he drove home.)
Newport Beach police arrested a man for allegedly stealing jewelry and beer from a Balboa Island home, after an officer found him drunk on a park bench. The suspect allegedly entered the home through an unlocked door, swiped jewelry from an upstairs bedroom and beer from the kitchen, police said. That same morning, police responded to reports of a drunken man sitting on a park bench in the area. After arresting him for public intoxication, police said they found he had items stolen from the home. February blotter.
A Newport Coast man was charged earlier this month for a series of dirty diaper dumpings along Pacific Coast Highway in Newport Beach and Laguna Beach. Police allege Tomoo Kawai, 68, dumped dirty adult diapers from his Lexus onto Pacific Coast Highway various times throughout 2012. If convicted he could face six months in jail.
Rancho Santa Margarita
Two women in their 80s duked it out in a Rancho Santa Margarita apartment. One of the women called the Orange County Sheriff’s Department, complaining that her roommate kicked her out of the home without her oxygen tank after an argument. Later that evening, deputies were summoned again. This time, a fight broke out between the women. Deputies arrested one, an 82-year-old, and threw her in the slammer on $10,000 bail. This was apparently the latest in a series of octogenarian altercations in Rancho Santa Margarita. February Blotter.
(Check your local Pay-Per-View listings.)
A Coto de Caza woman said an intoxicated teen knocked on the front door of her home and asked if he could massage her feet. When she didn’t express any interest in the invitation, he began walking toward her backyard before leaving. February Blotter.
(Please, Mrs. Robinson?)
A woman said her son's girlfriend had attacked her 7-year-old son at her Rancho Santa Margarita residence Thursday afternoon. The woman left the room because she was scared of the mother, who was naked while she assaulted the child. The Orange County Fire Authority responded to the call and treated the boy, who was complaining about being in pain. Orange County Sheriff deputies arrested Heather Alen Woods, 28, who is being held on $100,000 bail at the Intake Release Center. She is due to appear at the Central Jail Court on March 5. The call came in around 3 p.m. on Thursday, from Marino.
Laguna Niguel/Dana Point
Laguna Niguel-Dana Point Patch has its own specific list of dozens of bizarre calls. Read them here.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK IN THE COMMENTS
While the OC crime blotters keep us at Patch busy, we know we don't have a monopoly on strange crime news. Share your favorite weird crimes stories of 2012 here.